PAST AND PRESENT

I was asked not so long ago if the reason that dehumanisation and objectification was my 'thing' because I did not like myself in some way, shape or form. I did not have to think about the answer and the word “no” instantly fell from my lips.

There was times in the past that I did hate myself, both in the way I looked and the way I was. There were no valid reasons for this, simply mental confusion and scars from the past causing low self-esteem. One thing I could safely say about those periods in my life is that there is no way on earth I could have been sexually dehumanised or objectified and I suspect there are two reasons for this. Firstly, I do not believe that I would have had the confidence – my mind would have told me that I would not be able to do it properly and would fail. I would not have taken the risk of failing as it would have made me feel even worse about myself than I already did. Secondly, I think if someone had wanted to dehumanise or objectify me I would have taken that as a rejection of the human me and validated my self-loathing.

These days, my scars have healed and my self-esteem is basically on an even keel. Yes, I suppose there are still parts of me that I am not keen on but rather than dwell on them and let them drag me down, I simply accept them. Maybe it is just age and maturity that have led me to this place, but then again the love of a good man assists greatly :)

My former lack of confidence and fear of failing have transformed into what can only be described as sheer bloody mindedness – I do not fail because I tell myself I will not fail. And as for my feelings about rejection of the human me, they don’t exist any more. I KNOW I am valued as a human, and, probably most important of all, I value MYSELF as a human.